Thursday, April 10, 2008

Changing Viewpoints

At the Big Event (which I have posted about and will most likely continue to post about ad nausuem) we were asked, "What makes you tired?" It was our second gathering, but our first 'let's get to it' discussion. I made a concerted effort to be an active listener and not spend the time before my turn thinking of what I was going to say. In fact, I honestly think I could tell you what other folks said, or at least come close.

So when it came my turn I hadn't dwelled on it at all but what came out was the loneliness of the high road. I talked about feeling as if I was on the top of a cliff and for as far as I could see there was no one else there. I wasn't going to jump (for you therapists out there), it was just an image of how alone I felt, and that made me tired. My feelings of isolation and loniless had made my view dark and painful.

Since returning I have had our church's first softball practice without tdx. I have literally turned around in the gym and run right into TOW1. I have been told by tdx that TOW2 is moving up here Sunday... this Sunday.

And yet, my viewpoint has changed. These are no longer symptoms of the dark forces coming to get me. These are hurdles to jump, minor incidences to ignore and painful moments to recognize and then move on from there. Having returned from the BE I still remain on the high road. The cliff remains part of my imagery but now I am facing the other direction. I have reached the end of that road and I have begun a new journey. And now when I look around me there is a large group of women (and men) surrounding me and supporting me.

After the loss of our first child my wise friend came to preach amongst my congregation and he gave everyone permission, no matter how big or small their own wounds may be, to say, "Ooo, that hurts."

The difference for me since the BE is that I can say, "Ooo, that hurts," but instead of my viewpoint only being my wound or my lonely cliff, my viewpoint is the gathering of saints around me via computer, phone and last minute pizza plans and I can hear about 20 women plus my parents and other friends I was ignoring say, "Damn straight it hurts... but you're going to be alright."

17 comments:

Drew said...

"These are hurdles to jump"

And still kick a little as you jump over?

But seriously, as a spring day as beautiful as this, it is like a little extra ray of sunshine to hear that you are embracing the healing process. If I could actually see auras, I would say that yours look better these days...

Peace.

Songbird said...

Yay! Go, you! I'm really proud of you, ws.

Cathy said...

It's the hurtingest of hurts, but yes, you will be all right... and you ARE all right...

You are doing great!

DogBlogger said...

Wow.

(((WS)))

cheesehead said...

I am so proud of you. You are amazing.

(((WS)))
Mean it.

Quotidian Grace said...

I'm proud of you, too!

Ruby said...

You are the best. The high road may feel lonely, but it leads to wonderful places. ((WS))

dust bunny said...

I don't comment often, but I just had to say how proud I am of you..and of all your friends (computer, phone and face-to-face) who have been there for you. What a blessing through a dark, dark time. Wonderful to see you coming out on the other side.

Towanda said...

*[

Purechristianithink said...

Prayers for the road ahead . . .

ElastiGirl said...

damn straight - we'll supply the hugs, chucks and band-aids!

God_Guurrlll said...

We got your back sisterfriend.

((ws))

peace and love.

Songbird said...

Heck, I'll even put the napkin in your lap!

Gracebythesea said...

It would be kind of cheezy (no offense Cheese) if I said i was proud of you having not met you until the BE but as the former babysittter fo your second cuzins, I can say I'm awed by what you have been through, how you continue to maintain a "high road attitude" so quickjly after the storms and that you're able to be hopeful. You are an inspiration!
(((Will Smamma)))

zorra said...

Awesome! I'm proud of you too!
((WS))

lorna (see throughfaith) said...

my viewpoint is the gathering of saints around me via computer, phone and last minute pizza plans and I can hear about 20 women plus my parents and other friends I was ignoring say, "Damn straight it hurts... but you're going to be alright."

you bet!

Singing Owl said...

This brought tears to my eyes and then made me smile.

I'm glad. Very glad!