Yesterday I spent a good chunk of the time with my Presbytery's uber-committee. We have a good committee and a pretty good Presbytery and a great EP. As great as he is and as supportive as he is, he is still the EP and the one church's will go to for recommendations so there came a time when he would ask me how I was doing and I would respond a tad (or a lot) more positively than I really was.
Also, in our brief conversations I always got the sense that he wanted me better already and frankly since he was in parish ministry - and successful at it - this suprised me. I am not sure if it is because he was not putting divorce/betrayal on the emotional stress level it is or if he has just not gone through a Loss Valley himself and realized how long it takes. My guess is the former - I certainly didn't give divorce/betrayal enough respect until someone whose own husband died gave me permission to grieve it as if tdh had died. And really, the tdh I knew (or thought I knew) did died. Now I just have to live with his idiot ghost.
Anyway... as I continue to ramble (sorry) yesterday EP sat next to me through the meeting and afterwards he asked me how I was doing and I said, "I am better now than I have been in years."
He grinned huge and said, "It shows" and we moved on to other things.
"Better now than I have been in years."
I didn't plan on saying that. I really hadn't thought about it that way and yet there it was . Almost like my soul blurted it out.
In a way it is a little embarrassing to realize that I wasn't as good as I thought I was. My marriage was not as good as I thought it was. My choice in life partner was not as good as I thought it was.
But in the end I am okay with that because my friendships are deeper than they were. My faith is stronger than it was. And there are things I am doing better now than I ever was.
Truly, I am better now than I have been in years.