Sunday, June 29, 2008

View from the Other Side

One year ago I came home to a five page letter in my door that would forever change the course of my life. Over the next 365 days I experienced:

deep sorrow

excruciating pain

bitter memories

public embarrassment

loneliness.



I have also experienced:

abounding grace

deepened faith

newfound gifts

restored confidence

hope.



So many of you have propped me up along the way. So many of you have reached out, cried, laughed and rowed.
Thank you.

This past weekend due to circumstances beyond my control I ended up in the last place I thought I wanted to be. Due to a chaperone malfunction The Boy and I spent 2 days and nights at the same Christian music festival that tdx was attending last year with our youth group when I received the letter.

There I was basically shadowing his footsteps from one year ago, sitting on a tarp and a lawn chair with tens of thousands of sweaty, dirty people around me listening to music at mind-blistering levels. This is where he was when he received my voice mail letting him know that I had been let in on his betrayal.

Did he feel relief that I finally knew? Or more turmoil, not because I had found out, but because he knew that I still didn't even know the entire story. Was it a concious choice of his to use TOW1 in order to get out of our marriage so he could be with TOW2? I doubt it and it didn't work anyway because I fought for our marriage until he told me definitively it was over.

And so this is where his part of the story ends.

God is surely in the details as my time at the music festival was well-timed and healing. So often when something happens in the church the youth end up in the dark because the adults around them either don't know what to say and/or don't want to talk about it. My presence with them at the festival gave them the opportunity to ask their questions and talk about their feelings. It gave an opening for conversations about marriage, depression, choices and truth. It also left a door open for future conversations.

As for The Boy and I we actually had a wonderful time together (which if you have gone camping with a three year old, you know is quite a statement!). It was affirmed once again that one of the MAJOR things that has come out of this is that I am a much better mother than I was a year ago. I am far more connected to him and to what he is doing and who he is. This is such a blessing.

There are sure to be more ups and downs as we continue to walk this road. I am bracing myself for the wedding band that I will eventually see on tdx's finger, but I know that will be hurt for missing what I thought we could be, not what we actually were.

I wrote in a previous post about processing and choices. At the concert on Friday night the special guest was someone who was popular with our generation (not so much the youth, but that's another post) and her voice and songs brought me back to dating and the early years with tdx. I basically cried through her entire set, but realized that although they were tears of sadness they were also tears of a well said good-bye. I did everything I could.

I honored.
I loved.
I was faithful.
I fought like hell for our marriage... and he lost.

He lost. His choice.

I came home and scrubbed off the sweat and dirt from the festival and have shaken the dust from my feet of a marriage where I was no longer wanted. Again, his choice.

No one will ever know what chain of events TOW1 really expected to set off when she sent me that letter. At this point last year everyone was reeling and tdx was still holding onto his final secret. What I am sure no one expected - least of all me - was that one year from that awful, dreadful day...

I am the better for it.

29 comments:

Jane Ellen+ said...

Amen.
]*

Songbird said...

You are a champion, will smama. I'm proud to know you.

more cows than people said...

amen, indeed.

Mary Beth said...

Amen. Selah.

and thank you.

Ruby said...

You were always wonderful!

Rev. Sean said...

Thank you for this. My partner left one week ago. There was no big betrayal, but in some ways that doesn't matter. There were a thousand small ones. It's good to see you a year later and see hope.

Sean

Magdalene6127 said...

Once again, I feel so much resonance with what you write in terms of my own situation. As of last month, I was five years out from the day my x told me he was "passionately attached" to MyTOW. And I can truthfully say that, today, I am in a better, healthier, happier place than I was in that marriage. God is amazing in the ways s/he heals the broken-hearted and binds up our woubds, sometimes leaving us better than ever.

Continued prayers, friend.

Magdalene6127 said...

That, of course, was supposed to be "wounds."

God_Guurrlll said...

Amen and Amen. I am so glad to know you.

cheesehead said...

You are one of the strongest people I know.

(((ws)))

Preacher Mom said...

God's grace is amazing.

And so are you.

Rev Dr Mom said...

Grace abounds, tbtG, and you are a powerful witness.

I so resonate with mourning what might have been as much as (or more than) what actually was in the detritus of a marriage. It is hard, very hard. You are handling it so well. May your healing continue.

Crimson Rambler said...

You are one awesome lady.

stinuksuk said...

Showered in grace, you are and have been. In God's hands shattered lives become new works of art and beauty, strength and wisdom. I know it is so for you.
Peace.

Purechristianithink said...

Amen to so much of what others have said.

mibi52 said...

Yes, and yes. You have been a heroine and your Boy will be a better man because of you and your strength and example. Keep on keepin' on.

Towanda said...

*[

Ya done (and are doing) good.

net said...

I'm gonna hug you anyways, you golden girl!

(((((will smama)))))

"you're gonna make it after all!"

Sue said...

Bless you ws.

]*

dust bunny said...

You came out of this waaaaay ahead. Blessings.

zorra said...

]*

No, I have to hug you too.
((((WS))))

Love ya. Mean it.

Kathryn said...

Proud of you, proud to know you, and deeply thankful to God that you are as you are in this.
Hugs (yes, several) and blessings as you look ahead to better thingsw

DogBlogger said...

(o)

RevHRod said...

He may never know what he gave up, but we do. His loss. Totally. You are such a strong, fine, creative, talented, faithful woman. You've worked very hard this year and it shows.

Hugs, hugs and hugs! (Just deal with it! I come from a family of huggers!)

mid-life rookie said...

It was never you he was escaping - always and only himself. Please continue to be kind to yourself knowing we and the One who loves best of all love you dearly.

1-4 Grace said...

Yup. He lost!!!, totally.And you are coming out of this a winner, a trooper, and with a profound understanding of grace.

Gracebythesea said...

Yea W/S..what they've all said. You are remarkable solely in who you are as a precious child of God apart from your gifts as mom pastor, (fellow procrastinator) and friend.

We are all blessed to know and HUG(!) you!
((WS))

Presbyterian Gal said...

I don't drop by as I'd like. And I am glad I found this post. I remember a year ago. What you must have gone through. Can't imagine.

You are grace under fire. No doubt.

Much love and admiration for you...

((((WS))))

lorna (see throughfaith) said...

wonderful to read this - sad tears but wonderful to hear how God has put you back together and you've found out who you really are. You are a winner. And I'm glad you know it :)