Friday, May 21, 2010

Tears of Exhale

The Boy 'graduated' from preschool on Wednesday. There were no cap and gowns. They performed a few songs and received hugs from their teachers.

Leading up to the event I had wondered if I would cry. I should have known that I wouldn't - I never do at the appointed time. I cry during a touching beer commercial, but only if I am at a restaurant catching it out of the corner of my eye on a screen hanging over the bar. I cry while leading worship 3-4 months after the event, meaning that most feel uncomfortable while maybe 5% recognize why those tears are there.

But this isn't a post about those kind of tears.

It took me awhile to land on the emotion I was feeling as I watched The Boy sing his songs, standing proudly amongst his friends, pointing out his Dad to the little girl standing next to him. And that gesture was what helped me figure it out.

It is more than gratitude I feel as I watch him excitedly point out his father, not having to wonder if that will upset his mother.
He was just himself up there, not worried about having to be too perfect for one parent or the other.
He was just himself, not burdened with worry that one parent didn't love him even though we sat in two different parts of the Sanctuary.
More than half of his life has been spent with his parents separated, but he doesn't feel it or know it.

He just knows he is loved, which is a victory for all of us. Because even those who betrayed me, have worked to make this so.

There are far more journeys to embark upon, but at that moment, at that graduation, I finally felt like that particular race had been won.

And so although gratitude is in the mix, the emotion I feel is 'exhale'.

And with exhale comes confidence and trust in the gifts God has given me.
With exhale comes a willingness to trust the joy to be found in this new community.
With exhale comes a hope and a trust in the plans the Holy Spirit has in store for me and the ones I love.

With exhale comes the rhythm of normal breathing and it sure feels nice to be doing that again.

Inhale.
Exhale.
Breathe.

4 comments:

Magdalene6127 said...

Thanks be to God.

zorra said...

Amen.
((kzj))

Songbird said...

So proud of you and the grace with which you conduct your life.

Mary Beth said...

Mama-ing: yer doin it right.