Thursday, June 3, 2010

T-Ball Coach

I realize I keep reflecting backwards, and I hope to return to a more fun blogging form soon. I recently re-read some of my previous blog and was surprised by how much daily, run-of-the-mill stuff I had included. That is not all a bad thing. So for now I will offer one more reflection and my goal in the future will be to live into Volume II rather than pondering what it means to have left Volume I.
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When The Boy's dad (TBd) first asked me to coach t-ball with him I just shook my head. First he encouraged me to manage the team, but even a perfunctory look at my schedule showed that was an impossibility. I couldn't be the main person in charge. But I could coach...

Except on paper, it looked like a terrible idea. A few friends concurred 'your life is not a sitcom,' they said. I agreed...

Except I knew that all things considered, TBd and I work really well together. We are long past 95% of the pain and the hurt (I do have the occasional flare-up, usually related to The Boy's care). And I knew of one little boy who would adore having both parents involved with his team. Some warned that it could be confusing for him...

Except that he does not remember a time when we were together. He is not carrying hopes of a parental reunion as that has never been his reality. The one time he asked if Dad could stay at our house, he included the wife in his request. And so I was quite sure that The Boy would be in a good place with it and that as far as maturely handling anything that might came up the adults would be okay too. We were safe from being a sitcom or any other drama...

Except I knew that this was the ultimate test for my heart. I wasn't worried about a drama or a sitcom, I was worried about my heart thinking it was a romantic comedy. I have not looked back and done the math on the amount of years I spent in the delusion of a strong marriage. I guess there are worse things than giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt, but in some cases I took that to the extreme. I'm not going to flog myself for it, it was what it was. But I didn't want to keep the delusion going...

Except the heart wants what it wants, this I have learned. And so in a lot of ways this working together - him with the behind-the-scenes details and me the up front (Read: loud) leader - was a test of whether there would be any emotion behind the mirror image of what our lives used to be. And so we set ourselves up for potentially more pain and hurt all in the name of coaching a t-ball team...

Except my heart is clearly in a different place and no longer his to hurt.

5 comments:

Jules said...

This is wonderful!
You are amazing.

Songbird said...

You are that.

revhipchick said...

holy canoli! i'm awestruck by your strength and hutzpah? i'm not sure what word is adequate--I think Jules nailed it--you are amazing!

Mary Beth said...

That is the best news I've had for three years.

mid-life rookie said...

Just WOW! You rock as a woman and as a mom. Blessings upon you my dear.