Tuesday, March 22, 2011

LOST: Mojo

I remember when I used to be funny. I used to be able to make people laugh so hard that, sides hurting and tears streaming, they would actually beg for mercy.

I'm not that funny any more.

I'm not sure when it happened. I can't really blame the divorce because on the trips I took afterwards, laughter and making other people laugh was a major part of my healing. I can't really blame the new job because the people here laugh with me more than in a previous position. They seem to 'get' my humor.

Maybe it's time. It's been a long time since I have just sat with a group of people and worked up to the kind of laughter I once was great at producing. But I have had those times recently and there was humor, but not like it used to be. There was a glimmer of it just a few weeks ago while hanging out with one of my favorite people. Even she remarked that it had been a long time since she had heard me joke around like that.

Maybe it's the world and my awareness of it. There is so much unfathomable pain, both here in the community and globally. I often feel it weighing down on my shoulders.

Maybe it's the responsibilities of the last 2 years. A new job with a steep learning curve, a son who entered the public school system, the death of my father, learning the dynamics of my mom living with us, continuing to juggle the ex-husband and his wife, trying to hold onto friendships through the strain of everyone's 'busy', negotiating new relationships, attempting to be the traditional Head of Staff that some folks need me to be all while pushing on my own edges of what might be next, working to move this small corner of the pcusa away from its policies of discrimination against those who are LGBT, and in the midst of it all trying to carve out time for rest, exercise and renewal.

Oh.

5 comments:

Sharon said...

This plucks a deep chord in me. Recent laughter was far too rare and very much needed and now seems like a dream I won't have again for awhile. I appreciate you saying what you said here out loud, and I am pretty sure there is so much more to say.

Hugs & peace.

jo(e) said...

(o)

ellbee said...

That's pretty funny... I mean, funny in that weird way that you sometimes find things that sound too familiar. A friend of mine recently commented that it had been a long time since he'd seen me really let loose and laugh. I've been able to make other people laugh, but not join in so much. I hadn't realized just how much life had been weighing on me until that moment. Not sure I'm back to my usual jovial self, but... there is something to be said for the self-care benefits of a good laugh! May you find humor in the little things and be surrounded by people who get it, too!

And thanks for your work for !0-A.

Rachel Hackenberg said...

Oh! Thank you ... I feel this in my life, too. Something about super-functioning in all aspects of life, and it takes so much longer to "let down" with the right people and enough time (and good wine?) to laugh hard enough to cry. Some days I really miss that ... and some days I'm too busy to miss it. :)

Food-E said...

I'm so glad to have this post as part of my swirling-worldview as I enter ministry. I think I'm totally hilarious, but wonder if this day you've just described will come when I feel otherwise. Thanks for being real.

And perhaps, what's funny now has a little more wisdom (which surely can't be a bad thing!) in it than before. I certainly appreciate it.