I remember when I used to be funny. I used to be able to make people laugh so hard that, sides hurting and tears streaming, they would actually beg for mercy.
I'm not that funny any more.
I'm not sure when it happened. I can't really blame the divorce because on the trips I took afterwards, laughter and making other people laugh was a major part of my healing. I can't really blame the new job because the people here laugh with me more than in a previous position. They seem to 'get' my humor.
Maybe it's time. It's been a long time since I have just sat with a group of people and worked up to the kind of laughter I once was great at producing. But I have had those times recently and there was humor, but not like it used to be. There was a glimmer of it just a few weeks ago while hanging out with one of my favorite people. Even she remarked that it had been a long time since she had heard me joke around like that.
Maybe it's the world and my awareness of it. There is so much unfathomable pain, both here in the community and globally. I often feel it weighing down on my shoulders.
Maybe it's the responsibilities of the last 2 years. A new job with a steep learning curve, a son who entered the public school system, the death of my father, learning the dynamics of my mom living with us, continuing to juggle the ex-husband and his wife, trying to hold onto friendships through the strain of everyone's 'busy', negotiating new relationships, attempting to be the traditional Head of Staff that some folks need me to be all while pushing on my own edges of what might be next, working to move this small corner of the pcusa away from its policies of discrimination against those who are LGBT, and in the midst of it all trying to carve out time for rest, exercise and renewal.